As a 30 year old, I’ve managed to accumulate quite a few years of learning curves, f**k up’s, personal growth, professional growth and an array of both good and bad relationships, some incredible, some terrible, some toxic, some uplifting, some confusing and some downright failures. What is the one thing they all have in common?
That no matter how good, how terrible, how toxic or confusing that relationship might have been, at some point in time, they were all exciting as f**k. That’s the thing about building relationships with other people, it can be one of the most exhilirating experiences you can go through in life. That’s why, no matter how badly you got burned in the past, you will always have the desire to try again.
It doesn’t even have to be because you’re looking for love or looking for your so called prince charming, it comes down to basic human instinct. The desire to connect with other people, it’s unpredictable, exciting and full of optimism. The initial stages of a relationship, when you’re getting to know each other, learning each other’s boundaries, learning what pushes their buttons, they’re learning how they push your buttons, exploring each other’s minds, exploring each other’s bodies, exploring each other sexually, learning how they see life, how they see themselves, how they see you, their hopes, their dreams, those nights you stay up until 6am talking about life, the looks you exchange when you’re out with a group of people, listening to everyone else but only hearing each other, all summarised into that wonderfully fleeting feeling we call optimism.
Because that’s just it, it’s fleeting, unfortunately you cannot sustain such optimism long term, after these moments and feelings fade, then comes the next part, which is equal parts exciting as it is terrifying. The thing you’re trying to build next is trust, the ultimate question, can I trust this person enough to open up to them? Can I trust them enough to be myself? Can I trust this person to fulfil my desires and needs? Those are big questions. Those are big, scary ass questions. Nonetheless they are questions that are absolutely worth asking.
Ultimately, when a relationship ends, we all pay in some way or another, in the negative or toxic relationships, we run the risk of losing a part of ourselves and the essence of what really makes us, us. In the uplifting ones, we lose a lot when we lose it. So we never really escape without consequence. But the important thing is not that these relationships failed, the important thing is that each one teaches you something valuable, you just have to learn from it.
The end of any relationship is the perfect opportunity to self reflect on the situation and on your reactions to this person, situation and relationship. Just because it didn’t work out that doesn’t mean to say that this is a bad person either, absolutely not. They don’t have to be a bad person to be bad for you. But anyone who makes you feel unappreciated will never be good or healthy for you. In a good, healthy relationship, the other person will encourage you in all the things that you do in life. By doing so, you shouldn’t need to question if they appreciate you, it will be implicit. The person that makes you ask yourself this question is probably not interested in your goals and dreams, let alone in encouraging you to achieve them.
This fleeting optimism we tend to experience at the beginning of a new relationship is as beautiful as it is blinding. Don’t get distracted by this feeling, keep a clear head and ensure that this person has something valuable to add to your life and if not, then don’t board the ship. Keep your optimism for the ones that nourish you and enrich your world by being in it and take comfort in the fact that some people are only capable of enriching your world by not being in it.
The Dating Shit Show 
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