What is ghosting and why is it happening so much nowadays?

I could sit here and start talking about how ridiculous or disrespectful ghosting is, but I’m not going to, because that would make me a hypocrite. But I have to admit, it’s everywhere, every other week I have one of these conversations with my girlfriends, “he ghosted me”, “he just disappeared” or my personal favourite “tía, otra vez”. What inevitably comes into these conversations is why? Why did he ghost me?

My advice is why does it matter? In the end, it doesn’t matter what the answer is. Whatever the answer may be, I can assure you it has nothing to do with what you’re lacking or what you don’t have. Let’s put it into perspective, for example, if the answer were to be “I just didn’t feel a connection” well that comes down to incompatibility, you can’t control who you are or aren’t compatible with, as much as you may want to. Even if the answer were to be “I found you boring” well that comes down to a difference of interests or a different view of what’s exciting. If the answer were to be “I just lost interest” well this one, you should be thankful to get. This is the easiest and clearest answer to receive. It gives you the exact answer you were looking for. But then why do our minds instantly start to wonder… why did this person lose interest? Again, it doesn’t matter.

Maybe they found you too talkative, are you going to stay quiet to make someone else happy? Maybe they found you too much, are you going to be less of who you are to please someone else? Maybe they found you uninteresting, are you going to change the things that you find interesting to please somebody else? Maybe they found you to be too confident, are you going to start doubting who you are to make a relationship work? Maybe they found you conflictive, are you going to sit down and accept every behaviour you don’t find acceptable? Just because someone doesn’t want what you have to offer, it doesn’t make it any less extraordinary. One man’s ordinary and all that. Maybe he found someone else, well this one’s easy, and so will you. There’s always a new person, exciting encounter or tragic tinder date just around the corner.

The reason we disappear without a sound is because we don’t feel comfortable enough telling someone a truth that we’re pretty sure they’re not going to enjoy hearing. It’s not necessarily an easy thing to do, it takes balls and we all know how that story goes. In the end it’s very simple, ghosting is the perfect solution to avoiding having that awkward conversation that makes their balls sweat. Nevertheless, that’s not to say that girls don’t use this tool, every girl at some point has taken advantage of walking away without a sound, ghosting is absolutely a two-way street, used from both sides.

So why do we even wonder why? Well, that’s simple. It’s a natural human response to not understanding something, naturally we want to try and figure it out. But figuring out why someone lost interest is not what we need to figure out, we’re mistaken, the part we need to figure out is how we feel about the experience. What lessons did you learn? What parts of yourself did you figure out? The only thing you need to do when someone ghosts you is let them. Let them focus on their own world and you focus on yours. Not every person that comes into your life is supposed to fit into it, it’s not designed that way.

I have to say whenever I have ghosted someone, which I try not to make a habit of, I know for sure that if that person were to ask me why I disappeared, I would tell them, I have done on a few occasions. I had a date recently and after the date, I decided it wasn’t a good fit for me. I didn’t see the things in this person that I was looking for. Is it selfish of me to not continue talking to a person who I feel no spark with? No, it’s not selfish, it’s fair. So why did I walk away without a sound? Thing is, he never asked, so I never told. If the other person doesn’t question your disappearance then consider that, message received.

A 🌹