The more I date nowadays, the more I realise what a jungle it is. Dating is full of unsaid expectations and assumed reactions because we always seem to go for the date first, maybe have sex later approach. After talking to one of my closest friends about gay dating, he explained to me that it works the opposite way, it’s always screw first and if you enjoyed it, well maybe date later. This conversation and a string of dating disasters inspired me to take a leaf out of their book and try it for myself. So I decided to start a sexperiment, I set up my Tinder profile in such a way that it is glaringly obvious that all I want is sex and from there I interview potential candidates with a few specially selected questions that will give me an idea of the sexual preferences of this person and from there I can check if they fit with mine or not. If they do fit, well then we go on to the audition part of the process and if their answers don’t fit with my sexual preferences, then ciao.
My most recent dating disasters include; a guy ordering for me; best part being is that he offered it to me as doing me a favour, so he would come off as gentlemanly instead of sexist, it didn’t work. I got cockblocked by my dog; funny thing is, she only seems to make a fuss with certain guys. As it turns out; the ones that suck. Mr jackhammer who rubbed my clit so hard I thought it was gonna fall off. Mr “can I pee on you in the shower?”, extremely glad I found this one out before ever meeting. Then there was mr incessant dick pic sender, I never actually asked for one nor had given him the idea that I might’ve wanted one, then the ones that block me if I don’t respond to them within 24 hours; as I said, jungle.
One thing that is starting to become very clear to me is that the tinder dating culture has created the feeling that impermanence is far more appealing than anything that holds permanence. Why? Because it’s easier and requires less effort. It would seem that we keep that permanence for the relationships in our lives we are completely sure of, such as the ones we have with our close friends or colleagues. Why? Because the risk is far lower. Putting yourself out there and attempting to navigate relationships nowadays is risky and there are zero guarantees. So fear of rejection or fear of permanence sets in and we just keep swiping and swiping.
We are so caught up and scared of putting ourselves out there because of our fear of rejection. Why do we end up dwelling on rejection when it’s related to romantic connections, yet rejection in other aspects of our life is far easier for us to swallow and let go of. You got rejected from that job you interviewed for, but that doesn’t send you into a spiral of self doubt or pity. No, you realise that it doesn’t fit and you move on to what’s next. So why is that so hard to do with relationships?
It isn’t, we just make it hard for ourselves. Sometimes because we can’t comprehend it, sometimes because we want the situation to be different, sometimes we let our egos get in the way, sometimes because it triggers an insecurity we had been been trying to avoid and sometimes because we aren’t ready to let go. Then we start wallowing in the negativity of rejection and we believe it to have some kind of relation to who we are, it doesn’t. Value comes from within yourself, not from the opinion of another.
Personally instead of fearing what might happen, I choose to embrace it instead.
So that guy never texted you again after that one night stand? So what, next week there’ll be another one.
That guy you were screwing turned out to be a drama queen? Great, write about it in your blog and see who’s next.
That guy you thought was cute stopped paying attention to you? Well, pay attention to someone else.
All too often we spend our time focusing on why a person left, naturally because we want to figure it out, it’s like a puzzle that we’re desperate to solve. But we waste this time because in the end it doesn’t matter. We need to turn our focus to the space that has been freed up, the freedom we’ve gained, the new people we now have the opportunity to meet, the new disastrous Tinder dates we can have a laugh with our friends about and all of the new encounters we’ve yet to experience and most importantly of all the guys who are fully equipped to give you multiple orgasms.
Here’s another error us females tend to make, sticking to one option. Why? The entire idea behing any of these dating apps, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc… is that you are given options to select from. So why only choose one option and see how it works out. Nah, select the options and explore each one. Embrace the idea of these dating apps and use them for what they were designed for. They’re not designed for you to find love, of course, that is possible if that’s what you’re looking for. But in that case, you should prepare yourself to fail a few times first, be realistic.
I think that’s the big mistake we tend to make with modern dating is that end up looking for something, why? Because it’s what we’ve always been taught as the conventional thing to do and with conventional brings the inevitable subtext of normal. We’re taught to seek the normal path and that leading somehow off that path we will be seen as nothing but rebellious. How about dating for enjoying the beauty of dating. It’s only painful when you’re using it with the wrong perspective. In the end, it’s a tool. So don’t use it for anything other than what it’s meant for, which is to help you find people with similar tastes to you and with similar sexual desires so that you can explore those people. It doesn’t matter how fleeting the experience may be, one doesn’t take away from the other. These experiences are exciting, full of anticipation, pleasure and intrigue. Whether it be only one night, a repeated night, a handful of nights or a good old friend with loads of benefits, the impermanence of it shouldn’t distract you from enjoying every minute of it.
A good friend of mine is extremely good at explaining things through the use of metahors and whenever I find myself in a moment of confusion or doubtful of which decision is the right decision to make next, she’s my go to person. We talk it through and she usually has an excellent metaphor to make it that extra bit clearer and of course, easier to remember. Nowadays between ghosting, breadcrumbing, disappointing sex and disrespectful boys, we are having to deal with rejection on a regular basis and too many times I’ve watched my girlfriends in pain over these situations. So think of it like this, what about your vibrator, we’ve all tried more than just one and when the first one broke we didn’t spend weeks crying and eating ice cream, no, we went out and bought a new one. But how quickly did we make the decision to buy a new one? What information did we require first? We ultimately want to know how well it can fit with us, with our needs, our desires and potentially how much pleasure it can bring us, it’s not a decision to be made lightly. Take your time, try out as many options as you desire, but always read the box first so you can get an idea of it’s specifications, both physically and functionally. And if you find that you like what you see, then dive in and start trying it out. Find out how much pleasure it can give you and test out if it does in fact fit with your desires or not. If not, well keep shopping around for options and remember there’s no rule that says you can only have one vibrator at a time.
Now if it’s a relationship you’re looking for then by all means, look for one. But the mistake you’d me making there is looking for it at all, just enjoy exploring options and the rest will work out the way it’s supposed to. If you’re having to force a relationship to work, that’s because there’s something that doesn’t quite fit. If you’re having to force finding a relationship out of fear of being alone, well then it’s time to face your fears. Now I’m not saying you can’t find a relationship on Tinder, many have and I’m sure many more will, I’m just saying don’t set your expectations too high, be realistic and be selective about who you date. That’s literally what any dating app offers you, the opportunity to be selective.
You might just find someone you can get lost in for a few hours, someone who’s completely open to you and someone you can completely open up to, every pun that exists intended. Let that person explore your body and give you all of the pleasure you desire. And if they were a disaster in the bedroom, then swipe again, but a little more selectively this time. Don’t take dating apps too seriously, take them for what they are, an opportunity to meet people. Take the opportunity and see what’s out there, be clear about what you want, don’t set any expectations, just appreciate the anticipation of not knowing what’s out there, until it finds it’s way to you. The most exciting part of life is in the experience of it, sure the memories and thoughts about it are great, but nothing beats the actual exerience of it. And just in case you need a reminder, the experience of it is never not now.
Jungle survival tip; be a lion.
The Dating Shit Show 
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