What is it about rejection that makes us feel so rejected?

What is it about rejection that makes us feel like there’s something in us that is wrong? That when we get rejected that it must be because of us, who we are, our personality traits, something we said or even the way we look. At times rejection can be hard to handle, it can affect our self esteem, our confidence, our view of ourselves, our emotions and it can impact how we think of ourselves significantly. In some cases, it affects our work, our mood and at times even the relationships we have and there is absolutely no need for it to.

What makes us feel so rejected? The mistake that we make is that we relate our value to rejection. Why? Because we relate our value to other people. We attach a great deal of importance to what other people think about us and so when they reject us, we take this personally. Your own worth or labels for yourself can only be given by you. Nobody can put labels on you, if they do, it shouldn’t affect you. Their label for you comes from their own opinion, from their own mind map, the only opinion that really matters is your own. Everybody has their own glasses through which they see the world and everybody has their own filter. The information we see, hear or feel has to go through our own personal filter in order to create an interpretation. An interpretation is a representation of what has gone through our filter, somebody else’s opinion of you is exactly that, an interpretation. Not one person in the world has exactly the same filter because everyone has their own individual stories that differ greatly.

How do our filters differ? Well that’s based on a lot of different factors. Where we were brought up, our family lives, our relationships, our beliefs, or sometimes beliefs that are so instilled in us that we believe them to be ours. All of the information we’ve ever seen since we came into the world has been filtered and interpreted by ourselves and therefore influences the way we think. As soon as we perceive something, we then label it, we compare it, we decide if we like it, we decide our opinion about it, we decide whether we think it’s good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable and that process is what creates our own interpretations and beliefs. One of these core beliefs that many of us seem to have is that rejection should hurt us, that it should negatively affect us. We fear rejection because we think it must be negative. In reality a lot of the rejection we experience is extremely positive for us, we just can’t see it at the time because we’re blinded by self doubt.

When we get rejected by somebody sexually or romantically, we tend to look for the answers in the other person. If you are spending time wondering what someone is thinking about you, then you should stop focusing on them and start focusing on yourself. Why do you care? Is this person more important than you? Is there opinion more valid than yours? The answer should always be no. Nobody’s opinion of you will ever be more important than your own opinion of yourself.

What if rejection is a good thing? Rejection is a natural part of life, we need it in order to make decisions about what we do and dont want, we get rejected as much as we do the rejecting. Start thinking of rejection as a positive thing, it shouldnt need to be something scary, the best way to overcome any fears of rejection is to face it head on. Face rejection and embrace it, look it in the face and say fuck it. There’s nothing to be scared of or embarrassed about, if someone rejects you, it isn’t a reflection of you. First of all it could be for hundreds of different reasons and more often than not it’s the furthest from the worst case scenario you came up with in your own head. Just because that person didn’t want what you offered, why should it affect you? Do you say yes to every offer you receive?

Not a good fit; You got turned down by a guy you like? That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it simply means that that person isn’t interested in what you have to offer, nothing more. It’s impossible to get along with every person you meet just as it’s impossible to want to be in a relationship with every person you meet, we date to find out if that person has things that we want and if they fit with our desires. Someone’s too direct could be another person’s breath of fresh air, someone’s too crazy could be someone else’s perfect amount of crazy, too emotional could be someone else’s perfect balance, someone’s too conflictive could be someone else’s assertive.

Changing perspective; Don’t let the fear of rejection stop you from going after what you want, in fact, have the balls to go after whatever that is. Even if you don’t get it, who cares. It’s definitely better than not going after it and never knowing. Whenever I get rejected, I dont choose to see it as something negative, I choose to see it as life eliminating the pieces that don’t belong there and making room for the pieces that do. Be grateful for rejection and embrace each moment of it, it makes us stronger, wiser and it keeps us grounded. Don’t let rejection put you off relationships nor should you let it put you off going after what you want, you should think of rejection as exciting, it’s what puts us on a course for something else or someone new and without it our lives would be full of pieces that don’t fit and full of people that don’t belong.